A Page From My Journal

Ways I Used Procrastination to Avoid Writing

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Rocky Stream through the woods.
Photo by Cameron Kirby on Unsplash

So, let’s talk about procrastination.

Today was the first day that I was completely conscious of procrastinating. I set a goal last night of writing for 15 minutes before my clients and as I sit down it is 9:38. My first client is at 10:00.

I managed to do things that I hadn’t done in days. Threw a load of laundry in. Played on FB when I’ve been trying to stay off of that before I do my morning stuff. By the way, this is going to count as my daily practice. It is part of it but not all.

I even put toilet bowl cleaner into the toilet to soak. As I sat there going to the bathroom, I even contemplated cleaning the bathroom this morning.

All to avoid writing.

Is it the actual writing that I am avoiding?

Was it because I set a goal and told people about it so now I’m accountable?

Is it because I started looking at myself and the reasons I’ve been avoiding my writing? I wrote about my fears yesterday.

Actually, my chest hurts. I used to think that pain like this in my chest was my anxiety. And sitting down to write was anxiety provoking. Especially with that little voice in my head telling me I’m not doing enough because I haven’t done my daily practice for days. And that I don’t know what I am going to write about.

But now I wonder if my anxiety is producing an asthma attack. I certainly feel that shortness of breath coming and the pain is radiating through to my back – clearly my lungs.

Oh and I stepped on the scale today. I haven’t done that in weeks. Seriously. I was avoiding my writing. And, I’m down like 6 lbs. And that is anxiety provoking. How do I keep it off? What have I done differently? I’ve only taken my meds for like two days in a row but I’m not drinking quite as much as I was. I guess that is good for me as I am less cloudy and lighter. But, and here is the issue with my writing, I now have to keep up the weight loss. Can you just see the pressure come down on me?

Step back, take a breath. I’ve almost reached my daily word goal! 1st win of the day. And the timer is ticking down – a 2nd win of the day. And I’m sitting down to write during the time I said I would – 3rd win of the day. Procrastination didn’t win today.

Can I see the wins? Can I look at those and make them bigger than the negative words for what I haven’t done or the pressure I’ve put on myself to continue?

That is a really good question.

And where does this thought that I have to keep things up come from anyway? Was it some message from my childhood, twisted in my brain to cause me to fear success as I grew older.

Or was it that I’ve never been taught to celebrate the wins. I talk to my clients all the time about celebrating the wins but do I do it myself? Apparently, I’m not quite good at it for myself.

I can always see the win in other people. And I try to point that out because beating ourselves up is a useless waste of time, especially when we believe the words.

Apologies for the ramble about my procrastination, but thank you for reading them.

Until next time,

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